One Saturday I broke down crying in front of 200 strangers. I was exhausted, a little bitter, and on edge. ⛔️
The organizer asked me what “what lights you up, what would make you feel like you are full ✨from the inside out so you have more to give?”
Fighting back the tears, I fought with myself as to whether I should share the answer I REALLY had in mind. It seemed such a “selfish” answer.
Sobbing, and feeling such strong guilt at having this one desire I said, “I just want to be alone, I want no one to talk to me, I just want SILENCE. I’m soooooo tired. I’m exhausted. I’m always giving and right now I don’t have more to give. I’m showing up bitter, on edge, exhausted, and it’s not pretty for anyone, but I mostly feel crappy because I feel like I’m letting ME down.” 😔
I wanted to make a point for anyone else in that room that is a giver, any maybe YOU reading this post, that it’s NOT selfish to have needs and wants of YOUR OWN that we put ABOVE those of other people. 👊
I don’t know about you, but if I’m honest, I feel a brick-ton wall on my shoulders with the responsibility I’ve placed on myself. I did this. I placed that responsibility there. The responsibility of feeling like it’s on me to make it financially for my family, to be perfect, to never drop balls when it comes to my business, my commitment to impact at a global scale, my commitment to all those I serve, give, give, give, give. Empty. 😶
I forget the exact question that was asked, but it was along the lines of how will your loved ones suffer if you don’t step up. I got up to share what I thought was an unpopular and potentially taboo answer.
As a giver who’s always looking out for others, always GIVING, it wasn’t about what ELSE I could give to others, right there, in that moment sitting in that room, I had nothing more to give. I was run down to the ground, exhausted, on the brink of tears at any moment. Starting to feel bitter at the many things I have to be grateful for.
What I felt: Exhaustion. Run down. On the brink of tears. On edge. Having given so little to ME that I had no more to give. The cup didn’t runneth over. Empty. 😶
I wanted to share my perspective with the room, and with YOU in this newsletter, because I knew this perspective couldn’t just be my own, I knew that there were other women, coaches, and entrepreneurs in the room who would relate, and I’m sharing this here now:
1) to keep reminding myself that I HAVE to put myself first 🙋♀️, ahead of my family, clients, the world or I will run myself to the ground, and
2) to share in case this speaks directly to YOU 🙏
It’s not comfortable for me to share this here, but I know that many entrepreneurs, coaches, moms, fight a silent battle with themselves where we don’t feel like we should feel these feelings, and we definitely don’t share them.
➡️The story I bought into: you’re not supposed to put yourself above others’ needs. They’re indecent feelings to have.
My inner gremlins 👿:
- How dare you?
- Who do you think you are?
- How selfish to not respond right away
- You’re letting them down
- You haven’t earned the right to have time off for yourself yet
- They’re counting on you
- You’re the only one that can provide and take care of them
You know I’m here to be real with you and to share the ups AND downs of my personal journey.
We often just see the glamorous parts of peoples’ lives and sometimes that can lead to us feeling alone in our struggles.
So if this has resonated with you at all, know it’s not just you. I’ve been there too, and am constantly working on this aspect of my life. 🤷♀️
You see, I’m a coach, a sister, a daughter, team-leader. So many places to serve and care for others. I’m a giver by nature, I can’t help it, it goes against my nature NOT to care and give. I’ve always been the one who’s has stepped up to serve, and too often, I’ve equated being in that role of service as being responsible FOR OTHERS, which honestly isn’t fair to them nor me.
And if I’m honest, I don’t know about you, but often when I say no, when I put my own needs ahead of others’ I feel SHAME, I feel like I’m letting someone down, and that’s the last thing I want to do, let someone down. I’m such a lover, a giver, a performer, I hold myself to the standard of excellence…I don’t like to let people down.
But that has come at the price of letting MYSELF down, again, and again, and again. 😔
So now I’m speaking directly to YOU (and to me in the future when this might happen again).
LISTEN UP, you HAVE to put yourself first. 👊
… or everything else you do care about, and you work so hard for, will suffer and might just go to shit. You might go to shit. Your dreams, your health, your sanity, might go to shit.
🗣 Let me say that one again, YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
It is NOT selfish to be self-interested 🙅♀️.
The most loving thing you can do for everyone in your life is to set boundaries, to get practiced at saying no. 🥰
I make it a point to make my coaching clients that they MUST put self-love days and times on their calendars, and it’s time I take my own medicine 🥄.
🙋♀️ It’s time you also listen up if this resonated with YOU.
I make a commitment to ME here, and I invite you to join me in this commitment too:
✨ I commit to putting myself first and not feeling selfish when I take care of ME
✨ I commit to putting my needs above those of my family, my clients, and all those I serve without feeling shame or guilt so when I serve them and LOVE on them, I’m doing so from a cup full of love, joy, and abundance
✨ I commit to sticking by my boundaries even if others are inconvenienced by them or it “let’s them down”
✨ I commit to only saying yes to something that is a HELL YES for me, even if it means someone else is disappointed or discomforted by my saying YES for myself
✨ I commit to adding space to love me EVERYDAY without feeling shame
✨ I commit to saying NO a LOT in this upcoming year, so each yes will be a more meaningful and empowered YES
✨ I commit to doing those things that light up my heart EVERY week without feeling shame
✨ I commit to taking time off every week and not feeling shameful about it
✨ I commit to NOT responding to everyone’s needs and wants immediately, and to respecting my boundaries
✨ I commit to being self-interested and not making me wrong for it
✨ I commit to communicating my boundaries with everyone in my life and sharing that these are non-negotiables, and not feeling guilty doing so
✨ I commit to taking time off every week
✨ I commit to making myself HAPPY
✨ I commit to having FUN
✨ I commit to the things that make me feel abundant and JOYFUL
Look, if I’m honest, these commitments are going to be HARD for me to keep to. But everything I desire and want depends on me showing up for myself and keeping myself healthy and HAPPY. 🙌
We’re in this together, but mostly, you’re in this with YOU. 👊
Please show up for you, love you, and do the things that make your heart sing.
Drop a 👊 if this spoke to you, and share what YOUR commitment to YOU is for the rest of the year and into 2020!
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